SPINDRIFT BAY — May 21, 2007

Jessor & Co. Dietary Labs today announced a major breakthrough in their groundbreaking research of a weight-loss method called the Jessor Diet. The diet achieved a truly astonishing success rate of 100% among the members of a test group this Spring.

A Jessor & Co. spokesperson, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained, “the Jessor Diet is perplexingly simple, but ruthlessly efficient. Anyone who follows our diet is guaranteed to lose weight, no matter how obese they are.”

The diet works by altering the ratio of energy intake vs. energy consumption. “This is complex stuff,” says the spokesperson. “In fact, it’s so complex that non-scientist persons need to read the official guide to grasp it.” To learn all the intricate details of the diet, consumers are advised to buy the 700-page guide called Jessor Diet in a Nutshell, to be published later this year by Jessor & Co.

The diet was discovered by a Jessor & Co. research team, who studied the recorded impact of food deprivation. “One day, as we were watching The Life of Gandhi on the History Channel, we had this epiphany: people who are denied food for long periods of time are really skinny.”

“We instantly knew this was it. We were all going to be so rich,” he says. The team instantly formulated a working hypothesis that they used as a basis for live experiments on volunteers. “Our hypothesis was, If your body uses up more energy than it takes in, you will lose weight. In other words, to lose weight, people should eat a lot less than they normally do. That’s what set out to prove.” And prove it, they did. A mere two months after the clinical trials began, the research team noticed a weight loss averaging 12 kilograms (26,45 lbs.) across the population. “We now had a method that we could start cashing in on, and that’s what we’re doing now,” says the elated spokesperson.

The Jessor diet’s cornerstone is the cutting of meals to one per day. “Your one meal can consist of almost anything, as long as you don’t eat anything else all day,” says the spokesperson, and adds, “you should still drink a lot of non-alcoholic and low-sugar beverages during the day, such as water, coffee, and diet soda, so you don’t dehydrate yourself.”

But the Jessor diet still faces some hurdles before it turns into a pile of gold. First and foremost, it seems that many people are unwilling to stop eating to lose weight. “People want fast and painless silver bullet solutions. They’re willing to spend a lot of money to quacks of all sorts who promise to get them to lose weight without making any sacrifices. Well, let me tell you something: there are no free lunches when you want to lose weight,” says the spokesperson. “Buy our book, and you’ll know why,” he says to conclude our interview.